You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She told me I should be a condom model.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dick very happy bro
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
