Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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