Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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