I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
