I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
