She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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