It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
