She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And then my night got REAL pukey
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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