so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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