I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
