I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I didn't notice because vodka
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
