my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
