I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Shame - the story of my life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
