turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
