I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
