I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
