So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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