he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
