I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
