Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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