CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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