she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
