Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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