Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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