i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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