Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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