i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
