Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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