i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
