just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
