I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
