2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
