I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just cut my nipple shaving
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
