I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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