oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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