i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
