I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
