You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Drunk is not a location!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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