just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
