Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
