I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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