I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
