remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
