Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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