Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
