So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
