I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
