I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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