I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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