So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
