Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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