You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
