i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
