Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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