Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
